Girl Meets Flaws (the real life edition)
by Cpl. Bull S. Kwikki
Summary: When Farkle, the school terminal case goofball, gets bullied by an older, stronger student, will any of his friends or teachers step in to stand up for him? Will he stand up for himself? Cue tragicomic results!
1. Character List

**Characters:**

 **Riley** —Our vivacious protagonist, bubbly, perpetually cheery, naively innocent, honest, always trying to be a "good person," and takes the world at face value. For instance, if a stranger in a van said he had candy, she'd jump right in, because oh who ever would lie about such a thing, right? Her father is also her social studies teacher. Her best friend and counterpart is the "bad seed" Maya. Also friends with the nerd extraordinaire Farkle and currently crushing on the tall, dark, handsome designated cool guy, Lucas.

 **Disadvantaged Girl Maya–** Riley's loyal BFF and rambunctious sidekick, the alpha bitch of the show, bossing students, teachers, and friends alike around with her stern attitude. She can give as good as she gets. She's mad for forever because she doesn't have a dad and likes to blame every setback on her parents and give up on even the slightest challenge because of it. She's the kind of girl who is likely to be the first in her grade to lose her virginity. A wild child and "bad seed," she is also crushing on designated cool guy Lucas, though this seems to cause her no conflict with Riley.

 **Mr. Matthews** —Riley's dad and seemingly the teacher of everyone on the show. He is still early in his teaching career so he doesn't realize school is mostly bullshit and that his lessons don't get through to 99.99% of his students. Teaches very freestyle and pardons the many in-class disruptions caused by Maya and the others. He always tries to redeem people and teach a lesson, and since this is TV, it works out, although in reality he'd be met with almost continual disappointment.

 **Farkle** —Farkle is a "friend" of Riley and Maya, he is the kind of person who overachieves at school work and is quite smart, yet is mostly clueless in real life when it comes to social interaction and dealing with people. He's abnormally short, sports a goofy coconut-halve shaped haircut, and has an annoying voice. Everyone's favorite punching bag! Even passive characters get their digs in. Has simultaneous crushes on Riley and Maya, he likes their abuse.

 **Lucas** —The effortlessly cool, devilishly handsome, basketball playing, designated school cool guy. A tall dark, handsome stranger. Actually has good manners instead of being an obnoxious douchebag. A fish out of water, being a country boy living in a big city.

 **Note:** Due to the adult language and situations present in this fan fiction, everyone will be a 16-year-old high schooler (except the adults obviously) instead of a middle schooler as they are on the show.


	2. Segment 1

**Segment 1:**

Our scene opens on Riley and Maya having another inane girl talk before class as they lean up against their lockers. "What did you think of the homework?" Riley asks Maya. "I didn't do the homework because I don't have a DAD to help me with it!" Maya protests, she is wearing a Nirvana t-shirt, one with the band's picture where Kurt has the barrel of an AR-15 rifle in his mouth. Before Riley can answer, they are interrupted by a commotion down the hall. "FUCKING NERD! YOU LITTLE PUSSY BITCH! YOU FUCKED UP LITTLE MAN, FUCKING WITH THE WRONG SENIOR; THAT WAS NOT YOUR PLAN!" The yelling echoes down the hall. Farkle is thrown into view, being beat up by a taller, older, tattooed senior student. Despite the bully student being black, it's not a racial thing. Farkle stands up to recover quipping, "I meant to do that!" The student continues beating and yelling at Farkle as Farkle cowers and makes his way down the hall. "Violence solves nothing! Although your punch did knock my last baby tooth out!" Farkle says with his hands up in the surrender position. Riley and Maya turn to each other; Riley breaks the silence, "Farkle is getting beat pretty bad." "Yeah, just like my dad beat my mom…." Maya trails off. Lucas steps into the girl's view. "Hey, you two!" They both blush, Maya punches Lucas in the chest playfully, "Hey redneck!" Riley gushes, "Hey dream!" Lucas just smiles at them and they squirm appropriately. The bell for class rings. They all hustle inside Mr. Matthew's room. Down the hall Farkle limps away, his tormenter gives up temporarily saying, "Your whole family is going down Farkle, but right now, I gotta study!" Farkle limps to class, calling out, "What a coincidence, I have to do the same thing!"


	3. Segment 2

**Segment 2:**

We come back from our commercial break to find Riley, Maya, Lucas, Farkle, and his tormentor in gym class, all wearing standard school PT gear (gray shirts, red shorts), standing in formation. A drill instructor of a gym teacher marches in front of them, barking orders, "All of you maggots….I mean students….up the ropes!" He has a buzzcut and sports a Marine Corps tattoo on his forearm. He blows his whistle, then walks away. The students begin to climb. Maya and Riley begin to banter. "My dad tried to hang himself with a rope when he fell off the wagon," Maya seethes. Riley laughs nervously, "I'm sure you'll do great at this exercise, you seem to have a lot of "inner strength."" The bully starts in on Farkle, "Jerking off doesn't count as arm exercise, little man!" Farkle turns around to face him, "Technically, it does! If you go for an hour and alternate hands!" The bully scoffs and pushes Farkle over with one finger; Farkle collapses to the ground with a thud. "Hey! Farkle is being bullied again!" Riley yelps. Maya grunts, "Damn guy is cutting in on my business!" "Lucas! Help Farkle, pretty please?" Riley beckons. Lucas smiles, turns to them and says, "Aw, shucks, well when you ask like that..." He always fulfills Riley's requests out of pity/sympathy. Lucas steps up to the bully, "Hey man! Don't bully my friend! You and I are teammates man, just be cool, back off him or you got a problem!" Maya grins maniacally, "Ohhh, I hope they fight!" Riley runs up to Lucas and grabs his arm, scolding him "Oh no, no violence, please! Stand up for others, but don't physically back it up!" "Your girl is right. Let it go man. Besides the dweeb can take it right?" The bully laughs it off, and extends his hand to Lucas for a handshake. Riley squeals in delight at being called Lucas's girl and passes out. "Yeah I'm sure he can," Lucas concedes, shaking the hand. From the ground Farkle murmurs, "I think I'm bleeding internally." He looks over at the passed out Riley, "Goodbye my love!" Then he passes out too. Maya and Lucas shift their attention to reviving Riley. Maya smacks her face, when that doesn't work she shrugs and says, "Worked for my dad." Lucas gently says her name and like Christ rising from the dead, Riley comes to. "Am I really your girl?" Riley asks Lucas. Lucas thinks hard before answering, "Uhhh, you're _a_ girl." Riley perks up and stands up, "Good enough!" She turns to Maya, "You know, during our last sleepover, I had one of _those_ dreams about Lucas; you know what I'm talking about." Maya laughs, "That's because I put your hand in warm water while you were sleeping, so you'd piss your pants." Riley looks hurt. "Hey come on you two, play nice." Lucas chides them. They both blush again, Maya steps forward and warns him, "Remember, you pick the one right tool for the job." Then she winks. Meanwhile the drill instructor gym teacher drags a limp Farkle off the floor and to the nurse's office muttering, "God damn weakling! It's because of the VIDEO GAME generation like you that we lost in Iraq!"


	4. Segment 3

**Segment 3:**

The next day in Mr. Matthews's class, Farkle is mysteriously absent, but no one notices or cares. Everyone chats together normally, until Mr. Matthews starts calling roll. When Farkle doesn't answer, he questions the class as to where he is. Everyone is quiet at first. "NONE of you know where Farkle is or what happened to him? He is your peer! Your classmate for G-d's sake!" Mr. Matthews flips on them. A nameless, identity-less student speaks up, "Uhh, someone saw an ambulance leaving his house yesterday." Mr. Matthews stops mid-tirade. He looks around the room accusingly, "He was bullied a lot wasn't he? And no one stood up for him, did they?" The class's silence tells the story. "Well, now look what happened." Mr. Matthews scolds his class. The bully student adds his two cents, "I think it's a good thing he didn't take others out with him and a tragedy was avoided." He snickers after saying that, as it implies Farkle dying was not a tragedy. Another student pipes up, "He deserved it!" A student wearing a black shirt with "wrath" written in red letters says, "Natural selection!" Riley, meanwhile, sobs quietly. Disadvantaged Girl Maya adds, "My dad attempted suicide when my mom threatened to divorce him. Riley hugs Maya and tells her, "I'm going to miss him, the little schlemiel." Maya, ever the realist, reminds her, "You two lived in the same neighborhood and you didn't hang out. And weren't you always poking fun at him too?" Riley cries into Maya's shoulder. Maya is wearing a shirt of Mayhem's album cover of their member "Dead" dead from a suicidal gunshot wound to the head. Mr. Matthews comes out of his stunned silence at his class's reactions. "I want you all to write a journal entry on grief and loss, and I want you all to see a grief counselor when they arrive at school sometime later this week. And anybody who doesn't, anybody who doesn't show the least little bit of humanity….gets an F…for the year!" Mr. Matthews rages, flipping out on them in a way he has never done before as he has totally lost his faith in humanity at the moment. The class is silent, Maya comforts a devastated Riley. The camera follows Riley's tears as they splash against Maya's knee high leather boots.


	5. Segment 4 and trivia

Segment 4: The next day in Mr. Matthews's class everyone sits around before class mostly silent. Riley is wearing a black funeral veil and looks sober. Disadvantaged Girl Maya is wearing a Six Feet Under band t-shirt with a skeleton pope on it. The bully mutters aloud to no one in particular, "Man, this journal entry on grief and loss is such a drag." The student who was previously wearing a shirt that said "wrath" on it, now is wearing a KMFDM band shirt, he grunts, "Homework is stupid, unless I say!" Lucas quips, "I can't write a journal entry like this, the only thing I ever lost was my virginity." "All my journal entries at home are about grief and loss already," Maya interjects. Riley moans to herself, "Oh why? I miss him." Mr. Matthews saunters into the room. "Well, I can see everyone is looking chipper today, let this be a life lesson learned. A teachable moment. Life can be short and…." His lecture is interrupted by the classroom door bursting open and a blast of yellowish light shining on through the doorway. The heavenly music from _Doug_ is heard for a few seconds as the students gasp, "oh shit," "I'm scared," and "yo!" When the light finally dies down, Farkle, wrists and throat heavily bandaged, is standing in the doorway. "I have returned!" he announces. The class is ecstatic, some give a round of applause, others sigh in relief, others cheer, and a few even tear their "grief and loss" journal entries in two. The audience "awwws" and applauds as well. Riley removes her veil and gives Farkle a hug, Maya playfully punches him and says, "Ah, I knew you weren't dead ya farker," the bully high-fives him, "I knew you could take it, I was just testing you…yeah that's what I was doing," and Lucas says, "Welcome back man, say, what did ya get on last night's homework?" Mr. Matthews walks over to him and shakes his hand, "Let this all be a lesson (the class groans) STILL! Everyone be nicer to Farkle and appreciate him more and while you're at it, be nicer in general to one another. Farkle is a nice guy, this shouldn't be too hard." "Being nice, that's my specialty!" Riley perks up. A tall, frizzy haired female teacher from across the hall walks in. Her clothes and skin are burned in various spots. "Mr. Matthews if your class was disrupted by the blinding yellow light of the chemistry lab going up, please pardon the interruption," she cordially says this, as if delivering a formal decree. "That's quite all right Mrs. Summers, I was just telling my class to be nicer to Farkle here, he had an accident with a razorblade it seems and gave us all quite a scare! You know, people should just be nicer to each other in general, that's the take away lesson I think." While Riley nods approvingly, Maya scoffs. Mrs. Summers nods in agreement, "Everyone should, and guys, guess what? Girls love a nice guy, I married one! So everyone be nice to each other, okay?" The audience "awwws" again at this heartfelt plea. "Apparently, my mother didn't," growls Maya, ruining the Kodak moment. Mr. Matthews looks repulsed for a second like he's got a bad taste in his mouth before finally spitting out, "Wait didn't you marry a Navy SEAL sniper with 78 confirmed kills in Iraq and Afghanistan?" Mrs. Summers shrugs her shoulders, "So?" The audience goes to pieces as the credits roll.

Trivia: References include _Girl Meets World_ , _Doug_ , _No Country for Old Men_ , _American Sniper_ , Nirvana, Mayhem, _Beavis and Butthead_ , the Columbine High school killers, As I Die Sighing, _Spaceballs_ , _Thirteen Reasons Why_ , KMFDM, Six Feet Under.


End file.
